I fell in Love with James Wire

When I met him I thought he was hot and I'd flirt with him, and leave his world as soon as we were done filming that horror movie... But then he stayed up all night with me, we talked and spilled our guts. And he was amazing to me. I had low white blood cells at the time and was having trouble breathing all the time. He rubbed my back till I fell asleep. We talked almost everyday since. We filmed a music video, and the following night we couldn't keep our hands off each other while filming... The battery died, but we were too into each other to notice. 

The rest is history. I fell in Love with that man. We picked James Wire as his stage name, as Samantha Mack is mine. We spent hours and hours and days and many long nights working on our films. It was a creative outlet and so much fun, and for me it was heaven to be safe with a real man, and loved without guile. It felt amazing to be with a man who didn't treat me like an object or just a notch on his belt. I spent all my savings and then some, to create more opportunities for us. With great joy too. Every month I looked forward to our trips away. Falling asleep In his arms, waking up to his snores. I fell head over heels for him. I would do anything for him. If he struggled I did whatever I could to help him. It was usually with computer related stuff. I love that he needed me to help with things in his life. Because I needed him too.

I have never been so happy. You can see it in my smiles. Our YouTube channel is full of genuine smiles. I was living my bliss being by his side. He meant the world to me. 

But I mistook his kindness for love. And the more I fell for him the more he only loved me as a friend. It's not that I did something or didn't do something... It's that no matter what I did I would never be good enough for him. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I loved whole heartedly. I have him 110% of all my love energy. And now it hurts so badly. (Dramatic girl statement alert) If loving someone ends in such horrible pain, I never want to love again. 

I ache at the thought of not being with him. In the funny way the world works he bacame one of the few people I could let my guard down with. One of the few people I could really trust. And now I feel so lost. Everything I worked so hard for- for us. Is now gone. MackWireFilms, Sundays with Jamantha and our website, the photo shoots the promo/advertising... It's all gone. Just like him. 

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. 

I will miss him every day. He was the most amazing man to me. And I hate that I let such an amazing man slip through my fingers. Or I guess to be honest I hate that I loved a man and my falling for him pushed him away. 

I guess I don't know what love is after all.

But I do know heartbreak. And it aches at the centre of my being. 

James Wire was the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, and our time together was the best part of my life. 

That is why it hurts so much to not be with him anymore.