9 months

And then there I was face to face witht the mother, of the the man of my dreams.  I listened intently as she talked about how she wanted grandkids. It took all my strength to not blurt out, "give me 9months!" 

15minutes

Please VOTE for this amazing show I'm working on that shows both my naughty and more importantly my nice side! 

"With everyone trying to grab the limelight, one today really has to be great at showmanship"

- Greg Petaloudis

#15minutes

http://www.storyhive.com/project/show/id/230

From Backdoor to Reality TV

After an evening of supportive comments and suggestions from the network, we reflected on how it all started. Here's our first project that caused an amazing producer to beat down our doors and drill into our brain that we were designed for greatness. We saw our reality show triller on the big screen last night for the first time and... Well, our reality is pretty awesome. I'm nuts about these crazy guys and so excited and proud to work with them!  http://vimeo.com/m/101982057

Actual message to a man

How do I know I'm gonna see your tits in this film, he asked, after I said I was too busy to make an appearance at his bachelor party because I'm the producer on a feature film.

I replied

I'm extremely on edge from a day of people acting entitled to my tits and I'm going to blow up if one more person treats me like a blow up doll and not a person. I'm busting my ass as the producer the 1st AD and and actor in this film. I'm incredibly talented and hard working and I hate that I have to constantly throw that in people's face and demand some sort of respect. Yes I have big boob an yes they will be in the film, but I am so much more than a nice rack. How exactly did you expect me to answer? "Ooh big boy I just don't know what to do with these big round boobies! I can't wait to rip off my clothes and bounce In front of the camera just for you." If that's what you're looking for, go to the strip club and pay a girl to act dumb for you. I don't have time for that I'm busy making a feature film with industry professionals who treat me with respect.

having a baby?

We never slept together anymore.

I was training for a fitness comp and went off my birth control to loose extra weight for the show. I woke up on my stomach, he was laying on top of me fucking me from behind. It was nice that he was finally showing interest in me. He drunkenly said he was going to cum I told him to pull out because we both knew I wasn't on birth control and hadn't been for 3 months. He  pinned me down while I trashed about trying to get him off me and as he came he said "don't tell my girlfriend" to which I responded, "I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WHO DO YOU THNK YOURE FUCKING?!?!" (aug 2009)

Found out my ex is having a baby. He's really excited and proud too. Fucking jerk. The night I found out I was pregnant he didn't come home. The following weekend I had to find his drunk ass at the roxy where he was coked up with various "friends" aka random chicks.

He'd come home so drunk, screaming at me for not knowing where his contact lenses were. THey were always in his eyes. 

I started locking myself, my dog and my valuables in the bedroom while he slept it off on the couch in the living room. 

In the daytime at the gym he'd stand Infront of the treadmill I was on and tell me he only dates 10s but he's making an exception for me. 

Oh did I mention that he didn't have a job for 18 months and only got one because he told the bar that he was going to be a dad. By this time we had already booked the abortion. But he lied and acted like we were having the kid so he could get work. 

I knew right away I couldn't let this mess of a man be the father of my child. There was no way I wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. And I especially didn't want him yelling at a kid the way he yelled at me. 

I kept dating him though, hoping things would get better. Afterall he finally had a job. Maybe he'd start paying rent and slowly we could become a real couple. But no. He lost that job too. He slept on the couch. And when I would come home from work he'd have his hand out for money. If I didn't make enough in tips he'd tell me to get a real job because no one liked me at the penthouse anyways. And if I made good money he'd accuse me of "leaving the club to make that money" 

He constantly told me that we were better fiends than lovers and that he should get to sleep with Other people. So one day I agreed with him and told him to get out. 5 weeks later he moved out. I slept at the Cecil a few nights when he was exceptionally fucked up. I had become afraid of him. He'd pick up the end of the couch a d dump me off of it. He'd toss the coffee table if my belongings were on it and he'd punch the wall beside my head yelling that he couldn't hit a woman. 

And now this man is online bragging about knocking up his new girlfriend. 

Hopefully he's changed his ways and his new girlfriend isn't crying herself to sleep wondering where her boyfriend is and who else he's fucking while whispering "don't tell my girlfriend"

Dear James,

 I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Maybe our paths crossed so I could experience all the good we created in the last 8 months. Cause there wasn't too much good before you. My whole world turned upside down when you wandered in. And it was the best thing that could have happened... And I will never regret you. I will miss you everyday. This has been a tremendous adventure that welcomed passion, love, trust, respect and excitement into my life. I'm sorry for mixing up Paul Tryl and James Wire

. James Wire was an incredible boyfriend. Forgive me for wishing it was real. You were amazing to me. And I will always be grateful for you. You are Incredibly talented and you have a little family who loves you no matter what. You have an amazing life ahead of you and I'm very lucky to have been in your world even though it was just for a little while. 

Thank you for moments we shared I will never forget you.

I fell in Love with James Wire

When I met him I thought he was hot and I'd flirt with him, and leave his world as soon as we were done filming that horror movie... But then he stayed up all night with me, we talked and spilled our guts. And he was amazing to me. I had low white blood cells at the time and was having trouble breathing all the time. He rubbed my back till I fell asleep. We talked almost everyday since. We filmed a music video, and the following night we couldn't keep our hands off each other while filming... The battery died, but we were too into each other to notice. 

The rest is history. I fell in Love with that man. We picked James Wire as his stage name, as Samantha Mack is mine. We spent hours and hours and days and many long nights working on our films. It was a creative outlet and so much fun, and for me it was heaven to be safe with a real man, and loved without guile. It felt amazing to be with a man who didn't treat me like an object or just a notch on his belt. I spent all my savings and then some, to create more opportunities for us. With great joy too. Every month I looked forward to our trips away. Falling asleep In his arms, waking up to his snores. I fell head over heels for him. I would do anything for him. If he struggled I did whatever I could to help him. It was usually with computer related stuff. I love that he needed me to help with things in his life. Because I needed him too.

I have never been so happy. You can see it in my smiles. Our YouTube channel is full of genuine smiles. I was living my bliss being by his side. He meant the world to me. 

But I mistook his kindness for love. And the more I fell for him the more he only loved me as a friend. It's not that I did something or didn't do something... It's that no matter what I did I would never be good enough for him. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I loved whole heartedly. I have him 110% of all my love energy. And now it hurts so badly. (Dramatic girl statement alert) If loving someone ends in such horrible pain, I never want to love again. 

I ache at the thought of not being with him. In the funny way the world works he bacame one of the few people I could let my guard down with. One of the few people I could really trust. And now I feel so lost. Everything I worked so hard for- for us. Is now gone. MackWireFilms, Sundays with Jamantha and our website, the photo shoots the promo/advertising... It's all gone. Just like him. 

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. 

I will miss him every day. He was the most amazing man to me. And I hate that I let such an amazing man slip through my fingers. Or I guess to be honest I hate that I loved a man and my falling for him pushed him away. 

I guess I don't know what love is after all.

But I do know heartbreak. And it aches at the centre of my being. 

James Wire was the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, and our time together was the best part of my life. 

That is why it hurts so much to not be with him anymore.