My "Brothers," the two guys I call family... proved that they aren't.
Family loves you no matter what. Family cares about your happiness first. Family is a safe place full of support and encouragement.... not judgment. Family doesn't treat you like you're disposable.
They knew I had an adult web site for years. A few weeks back I bumped into the older of the two and we chatted about my adult site. He was happy that I was happy. But apparently he was just drunk.
Tonight I went over to their place for a lil BBQ and got a 30 min lecture on how they think less of me now because I'm filming porn. I was called every name in the book- in a narrow minded, I love you, I know better than you, sort of way.
It was hell.
They jumped to the conclusion that I'm filming degrading style of porn that they're used to watching late at night on free sharing sites. They suggested that I'm stupid enough to be led into this terrible decision by my leading man. Which couldn't be further from the truth! It's my business and I brought the contracts to him!
Anyways. They refused to read my blog or let me explain why making adult videos has me on cloud 9. This isn't the first time they've been unsupportive so 1/2 way though the lecture I started making my game plan to defend myself. Maybe they would understand if I explained my elaborate film making set up, scripts, lighting, continuity... or maybe if I explained how it's financially a wise business choice.. or maybe I could explain that my self confidence and self esteem is through the roof and I'm elated with this new frame of mind. and That "James" and I truly love each other, and neither one of us is using the other, but we talked long and hard about our goals and game plan.
NOPE shot down all all attempts. The idea of just getting up and walking out crossed my mind, but I wanted to be stronger than that. I'm not a weakling who cries and walks away (even thought that was my knee jerk reaction) I held it together and tried to listen while he spoke till he was simply repeating himself to fill the silence in the room. Every time I tried to speak up for myself I could only get 2 or 3 words out before he would tell me how "gross" I am, and how little he thinks of me now. He even added that he would never give my a job based on this new found knowledge.
I could no longer focus on how to defend myself. I was shocked by how judgemental he was being. The younger bro didn't say much, he's the one who's thoughts I honestly would have cared more to hear.
Judgement, based on assumptions made after I said, "well, I
am making porn."
No matter how hard I tried to explain how happy I was, no matter how hard I tried to explain that my team was amazing and supportive, and no matter how hard I tried to explain my vision to create female positive, sex positive films instead of the years of kink, fetish and jerk off videos I had made in the past that I'm quite embarrassed by.
And about that: All those older videos. The kinky, weird fetish ones that catered only to my so-called fans... I wish a good chunk of them didn't exist. Some I made just for the money and some I made cause I thought that's what was expected of me. Look up VORE. I did so many vore videos! and why?
I swear to Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, that I'd rather suck the dick of the man I'm crazy about than eat another sandwich and slowly pretend to chew a helpless little man who's sacrificing his life to nourish my goddess body. Why? Because if cannibalism is your fantasy, I don't need to encourage it.
You know what men and women do all over the world? Suck dick.
You know what people don't do? Shrink men down to 3-4 inches and eat them slowly starting at their toes and laughing as they chew with their mouth open so what's left of the little man can watch himself being destroyed between my teeth.
I love people for who they are at their core not what they do. ...and maybe because I'm younger than them I see the world as a place that would rather hug me than hurt me. But I know that someone better smack me in the face the day I kick someone out of my life because what I assume they do for a living isn't good enough for me to go bragging to my mom about.
Anyways, sad and angry, a little shocked and totally heartbroken... I got up put on my jacket and left. They didn't even say goodbye.
I guess it's over. I guess what they think I do is far more important than who I am. I thought they knew me, knew my heart. But in reality they care more about being about to brag about me to other people ...and now all they feel is shame at the mention of my name.
"you could have been a doctor" he said.
