having a baby?

We never slept together anymore.

I was training for a fitness comp and went off my birth control to loose extra weight for the show. I woke up on my stomach, he was laying on top of me fucking me from behind. It was nice that he was finally showing interest in me. He drunkenly said he was going to cum I told him to pull out because we both knew I wasn't on birth control and hadn't been for 3 months. He  pinned me down while I trashed about trying to get him off me and as he came he said "don't tell my girlfriend" to which I responded, "I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WHO DO YOU THNK YOURE FUCKING?!?!" (aug 2009)

Found out my ex is having a baby. He's really excited and proud too. Fucking jerk. The night I found out I was pregnant he didn't come home. The following weekend I had to find his drunk ass at the roxy where he was coked up with various "friends" aka random chicks.

He'd come home so drunk, screaming at me for not knowing where his contact lenses were. THey were always in his eyes. 

I started locking myself, my dog and my valuables in the bedroom while he slept it off on the couch in the living room. 

In the daytime at the gym he'd stand Infront of the treadmill I was on and tell me he only dates 10s but he's making an exception for me. 

Oh did I mention that he didn't have a job for 18 months and only got one because he told the bar that he was going to be a dad. By this time we had already booked the abortion. But he lied and acted like we were having the kid so he could get work. 

I knew right away I couldn't let this mess of a man be the father of my child. There was no way I wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. And I especially didn't want him yelling at a kid the way he yelled at me. 

I kept dating him though, hoping things would get better. Afterall he finally had a job. Maybe he'd start paying rent and slowly we could become a real couple. But no. He lost that job too. He slept on the couch. And when I would come home from work he'd have his hand out for money. If I didn't make enough in tips he'd tell me to get a real job because no one liked me at the penthouse anyways. And if I made good money he'd accuse me of "leaving the club to make that money" 

He constantly told me that we were better fiends than lovers and that he should get to sleep with Other people. So one day I agreed with him and told him to get out. 5 weeks later he moved out. I slept at the Cecil a few nights when he was exceptionally fucked up. I had become afraid of him. He'd pick up the end of the couch a d dump me off of it. He'd toss the coffee table if my belongings were on it and he'd punch the wall beside my head yelling that he couldn't hit a woman. 

And now this man is online bragging about knocking up his new girlfriend. 

Hopefully he's changed his ways and his new girlfriend isn't crying herself to sleep wondering where her boyfriend is and who else he's fucking while whispering "don't tell my girlfriend"

Dear James,

 I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Maybe our paths crossed so I could experience all the good we created in the last 8 months. Cause there wasn't too much good before you. My whole world turned upside down when you wandered in. And it was the best thing that could have happened... And I will never regret you. I will miss you everyday. This has been a tremendous adventure that welcomed passion, love, trust, respect and excitement into my life. I'm sorry for mixing up Paul Tryl and James Wire

. James Wire was an incredible boyfriend. Forgive me for wishing it was real. You were amazing to me. And I will always be grateful for you. You are Incredibly talented and you have a little family who loves you no matter what. You have an amazing life ahead of you and I'm very lucky to have been in your world even though it was just for a little while. 

Thank you for moments we shared I will never forget you.

I fell in Love with James Wire

When I met him I thought he was hot and I'd flirt with him, and leave his world as soon as we were done filming that horror movie... But then he stayed up all night with me, we talked and spilled our guts. And he was amazing to me. I had low white blood cells at the time and was having trouble breathing all the time. He rubbed my back till I fell asleep. We talked almost everyday since. We filmed a music video, and the following night we couldn't keep our hands off each other while filming... The battery died, but we were too into each other to notice. 

The rest is history. I fell in Love with that man. We picked James Wire as his stage name, as Samantha Mack is mine. We spent hours and hours and days and many long nights working on our films. It was a creative outlet and so much fun, and for me it was heaven to be safe with a real man, and loved without guile. It felt amazing to be with a man who didn't treat me like an object or just a notch on his belt. I spent all my savings and then some, to create more opportunities for us. With great joy too. Every month I looked forward to our trips away. Falling asleep In his arms, waking up to his snores. I fell head over heels for him. I would do anything for him. If he struggled I did whatever I could to help him. It was usually with computer related stuff. I love that he needed me to help with things in his life. Because I needed him too.

I have never been so happy. You can see it in my smiles. Our YouTube channel is full of genuine smiles. I was living my bliss being by his side. He meant the world to me. 

But I mistook his kindness for love. And the more I fell for him the more he only loved me as a friend. It's not that I did something or didn't do something... It's that no matter what I did I would never be good enough for him. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I loved whole heartedly. I have him 110% of all my love energy. And now it hurts so badly. (Dramatic girl statement alert) If loving someone ends in such horrible pain, I never want to love again. 

I ache at the thought of not being with him. In the funny way the world works he bacame one of the few people I could let my guard down with. One of the few people I could really trust. And now I feel so lost. Everything I worked so hard for- for us. Is now gone. MackWireFilms, Sundays with Jamantha and our website, the photo shoots the promo/advertising... It's all gone. Just like him. 

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. 

I will miss him every day. He was the most amazing man to me. And I hate that I let such an amazing man slip through my fingers. Or I guess to be honest I hate that I loved a man and my falling for him pushed him away. 

I guess I don't know what love is after all.

But I do know heartbreak. And it aches at the centre of my being. 

James Wire was the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, and our time together was the best part of my life. 

That is why it hurts so much to not be with him anymore.

If you were the other woman...

A few years back I went out with a guy in a band headlining at the commodore. Then I found out his fiance was back home, pregnant, making wedding plans, while he was touring. 

Should I have told her or kept my mouth shut?

Last year I dated a guy who, much to my surprise, was with 4 other girls at the same time. I am thankful for every girl who had the courage to tell me that my man had cheated on me with them. All of them said the same thing. "If I had of known he was dating you I never would have gone out with him that night." And that's exactly what I would have said too. 

I don't think women ever intentionally want to be the "other woman" or the "dirty little secret" but that's the position they're put in when men aren't honest about their relationship and are just out to get their dick wet. 

Finding a good solid man is nearly impossible. 

Meeting The Other Woman

Meeting the Other Woman:

My heart was pounding when I saw her. I expected her to hit me, or to hate me at the very least. Cause for so long I wanted to hit her, cause I was filled with so much hate. 

The universe put us in the same place at the same time... And I realized it was time I sucked It up and said "Hi!" 

Why now? We'll cause I'm not mad anymore. The universe must have known that, and I assume that's why her and I were placed face to face. 

So, With an overwhelming feeling of peace, that shocked even me, I asked, "are we ok?" 

And I am so grateful she said yes. 

Love More

Fear Less

The world would rather hug you than hurt you.

Paolo & Rosa: Wet Underwear & A Single Red Rose

Not only is this our best video to date but we had the most fun making it!!! Thanks for watching!

Naked on the Street and we DIDN'T get arrested

• This was a pretty good example of how people are in Vancouver. A surprising amount of people were lost in their own worlds and didn't even notice two naked people walking down the street. This was an incredible social experiment. Those who did notice us we're positive, supportive, and asked to take photos of us and thanked us for making them smile on such a cold day. We received countless compliments and we have never been called AWESOME so many times in one day. It was a50/50 split of people who were oblivious and people who were joy filled. Even the produce manager at the grocery store, the Starbucks employees, and the staff at the dish gave us a warm welcome and smiles for miles! Before walking into establishments we made bets on how long it would take to get kicked out for how we were dressed... We quickly discovered that (in the words of John Halcyon Styn) "The world would rather hug us than hurt us"
  We started our day with the intention of making a hilarious video for this Sunday's A Gay Collab and ended with happy hearts and a lesson from the universe that our world is far more accepting than we originally believed!
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