I cleaned my house this week. I mean really cleaned it. I pulled everything out of each room and started from scratch. The only thing I didn't move was Muffin's food dish. I haven't touched it since he passed Dec 20th. Before he died he couldn't eat anymore. His food dish was full. I just kinda pushed it around as I cleaned. I couldn't get rid of it. I felt like if I got rid of the dishes it would mean he was really gone. I guess some part of me kept expecting him to come back. I just wanted someone else to get rid of the dishes for me.
When I grew up my Dad was always the hero. He took care of all the hard work. When he wasn't around, my little bro (who acted more like my big bro) stepped in. I grew up with a big, strong, man hero around all the time. Men were always taking care of business. I never had to do anything I didn't want to do. Oil changes, hanging Christmas lights, building stuff, fixing holes in the wall, disposing of my pet turtle's lifeless shell after a bird pecked off his head while he swam in the backyard pond... Dad, my bro, or one of the dudes I was dating always did the "man" work.
It's only when I'm alone that I cling to a hero. When I'm with others, I'm the mutha fukin hero. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of business when others are relying on me. In fact I enjoy managing chaos. I've crawled into a rolled over vehicle and held a dude in a spinal clamp till paramedics came and left covered in someone elses blood. Or the night I stitched up the strippers leg in the middle of no where. Or the night I ran into the bar where shots were being fired so I could get my co worker to safety. I've dug cars out of ditches, ripped off the shirt of my back to make a sling for someone else. I've stayed up all night and day to keep my friends company in the hospital when they were scared out of their mind. As much as I'm instinctualy the hero for others, I've never considered taking care of business on my own, for myself, till now.
and Now I'm in the city alone (and single for the first time since I was 18.) No big, strong, man to save this damsel anymore. When sucky, crappy work has to be done... it's just me. So this morning I picked up Muffin's dog dishes for the first time in 3 months, and I gathered his toys. No one was gonna save me from how much this was going to suck. No one was going to magically show up and make all his dog stuff vanish when I wasn't looking. I had to rip off the figurative band aid myself. I knew that just touching that food dish would cause me to choke back tears.
But It was time to move on. Even though I wasn't ready.
By holding on I was holding myself back.
Doing the big grown up thing sucks sometimes.
So now my home looks like it came from the pages a magazine. No dog dishes, no leash at the door. Just a nice clean house for this damsel. Don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. But I'll have to figure it out pretty quickly the next time I'm tied to train tracks.
Hun, I adore you and I have to say you never ever quite get over the pain of losing a friend. Be it animal or person. Even the people who do harm to you sometimes leave a little scar when you think about the good times with them.
ReplyDeleteOver the years I have lost hundreds ... And I mean that literaly. In the early 90's Aids ripped through the community and laid waste like a wildfire to people and friends I cherished. I was just like you, I always had some guy to run too, however I quickly found that in my case the guy was NOT there for me AT ALL.
I remember two incidents vividly where I was ripped to shreds ... One when I was 21 and was told my Grandfather had prostate cancer. I was in a three way relationship at the time and when the chips fell both boys ran...
Then another when I was 20... After about a week I discovered the dude was a severe alcholoic and was only after me for cash...
So I had the opposite expirience with men... Then I turned into the girl that everyone hates , Jaded, Sometimes outright maliscious, and the genuine vengeful slut that everyone seems to envy but hate at the same time... Then came the Hubbie ... it was the weirdest thing ...
And as for pets ... I remember losing Peachy and Cuddy when I was 20 and I thought the world had ended ... When I went back to visit and Peachy was gone , it was like there was this hole in the house... A year or two later when my grandparents ( thats who raised me) moved and we lost cuddy it was awkward... I went into the shed to look for something and there were their leashes and their collars ... I was stunned ... Neither of them could just let them go either ... I eventually was left with the duty but I waited until Both grandparents were gone so they could take the memory with them ...
So I know what its like to have to put on the big girl panties when hell decides to fuck with your life ... but if you need a voice I am still here ....
XOXO
Elle /DJ
What about a holiday? Even a weekend away. It will make you feel better.
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