Making babies so my mom will be happy

My heart broke a lil tonight. Mallory, my friend of 23 years is getting married. 23 years ago we would daydream about getting married And  having kids. We picked out their names at least a hundred times.  We were in the same ballet classes, swimming lessons, we would spend our weekends catching frogs in the creek by the old cemetery. when my dad bought me my first car I drove straight to her house to show her first! And then again with my second and third cars.  We would hang out all day then rush home to call each other. True BFFs Today I got her wedding invitation. I guess this means I'm really a grown up now. I'm the last one standing. Growing up it was always Mallory, Yvonne and myself. The 3 teachers kids stuck playing together while our parents worked on their classrooms. We were kinda forced into being friends. And thank god we were. Now Yvonne is awaiting the arrival of her second baby. She was married in '08. She's a teacher just like our moms. She's happily repeating the live we all know so well. Mallory was the pretty one she had the popular friends and was invites to all the parties. She smoked and drank before Yvonne and I had the guts to even think for ourselves about such things. everyone loved Mallory.  She's travelled all over. Her boyfriends always spoiled her rotten. Or so it seemed.  Now she's off to Marty the boy who has and will continue to bend over backwards for her. She's lucky. It's all she's ever dreamed. I'll cry so hard at her wedding.  Then there's me. Happily divorced, no kids, bouncing all over the world seeking adventure and opportunity to just do something better than the day before. Hopelessly seeking a partner in crime. It's dawned on me recently that all I ever hoped for and dreamed of was getting married and having kids. That the only future I was taught. That what I've been told is expected of me. Success is almost synonymous with creating the perfect nuclear family.  And we can't forget the supportive words of my mother (and many others) "when am I gonna have grand babies?" So intense  is the pressure for me for reproduce so that my family will be happy. It's not just them causing me to feel pressured, it's mostly me. It's all I ever expected out of life cause it's the only form Of success I was taught Everyone whispered about my aunt who never had children. Finally when she married and her step children had babies, she was a grandma and everyone approved.  When I was 5 I decided that I would have to have kids by 30.  Well it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I told My mom I could get knocked up by one of the Hollywood hunks I've been casually humping. Get some Handsome genetics and a non existent father. But my mom shot down that idea reinforced that I must be married and no grandchild if hers will be fatherless. Ugh So back to square one. Success is still very much measured by the same old standard the my mom , grannie and great grannie had to meet.  Get married, stays married and have babies. Sorry to disappoint But it's almost my 29th birthday.y window to fall in love, get married and make babies is shrinking. I'm pretty strict about my 30 year old deadline. I just want to be young enough to be active in my kids life for as long as possible. After almost losing my mom and dad when i was 14 I have this Terrible fear of dying.  I don't Want to have kids so late in my life that my chances of being here are shortened anymore than they have to be.  So I have exactly 4 months by those standards, so fall in love, get married and get knocked up.  I'm a dreamer! I believe anything is possible! And even I don't see any of this happening in the next 4 months. So I guess I better figure out what I'm doing with the rest of my life. Next week I'm flying across the country to hosts a punk festival only to come back to something like 23 bookings in 28 days. Comedy shows, modeling, hosting, DJing, filming, I'll be hitting the ground running. I'll be in Toronto, Vancouver and Vegas and that's just the next 6 weeks. My life isn't lacking excitement. It's obviously amazing!!! I am so excited about the crazy things I get to do! Each one is more exciting than the previous adventure. But this is not what I was taught is successful. So I feel like a disappointment. I love my life, my jobs, and all the crazy opportunities I get. I wish people would stop telling me that I'm missing out by not having a family of my own. Stop telling me my life is unfulfilled. I was so happy till you told me I shouldn't be. I wonder if you're right or if it's just the crab box effect at work again