What if I'm pregnant?
I would instinctually think that's awesome! Being a mom is my greatest wish. Having a kid would be a dream come true.
What about the daddy?
He already has kids that he sees every other day. If I had a kid would he stick around in the role of Daddy? Would this baby take away time and money spent on his kids? Is this fair to him and his pre existing family?
What about money?
Would my boss keep me employed if I was knocked up? Who wants to see a pregnant chick DJn at a strip club?
I primarily make porn for a living how the hell is that gonna work?
What if I can't work? How else am I gonna make money?
I could handle having kids. Kids who go to school during the day so I can get my work done. But a baby? How the hell does one manage life with a baby arms length away at all times.
What if Daddy isn't around forever, can I do this on my own?
Ill spare you the gory details but, it would take a miracle for me to get knocked up. However, on this day the doctor had reasons to be suspicious.
I have daydreamed of being knocked up. I've wished on every falling star and each birthday candle I blew out these last few years. And in a moment where you think i'd still be crossing my fingers, all my hopes and dreams turned to fear.
What a terrible feeling. All the joy and excitement of the Miricle I've been waiting for ...crushed by the fears of reality.
Now if James and I lived together and this was planned things would be different. But I just gave him his own set of keys 2days ago. So needless to say my being knocked up is not part of our plan. But if he was excited and thought we could become the perfect parenting team then be excited again too. But logically I don't see how we could make it work.
Right now, business is doing well and these next few years are crucial. A lot is riding on my looks. My body is my tool. I get a ton of joy knowing that my hard work (our hard work) benefits not only myself but James too, and with every extra cent he spoils his kids as much as he can. The more successful we are, the more free time he has to spend with his kids. Its a ripple effect. I may not have my own family but my hard work means his family can have more. When my paycheque is big, his percentage is big. The better I do, the better he does, and knowing that what He makes gets spent on his kids needs, makes me want to work that much harder. Those kids may never know "dads friend Sam" or how my life benefits them, but I know. And knowing the positive ripple effect I can create for them brings me so much happiness.
I've wanted to have my own family for a long time but maybe that's not what's in the cards for me. For so long I thought that made me useless. My life wasted. Simply living day after day for the express purpose of getting older. I couldn't see what point my life had if I didn't have a family to share all these moments and holidays with. But maybe this ripple effect is the point to life I've been seeking.
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