Written July 4 2010
I've realized that I've fucked, been fucked, had crazy sex, worthy of top Shelf Porn. But I can't remember "making love" with any of my previous boyfriends. (or guys who fell into my bed)
I feel like I'm a great notch on the belt, I'm a fantastic fling, or story to tell your friends. I don't expect guys to stick around, or consider seriously dating me. Ever. (see note "you can't date an exotic entertainer")
After talking to other entertainers and studly bouncers... It's a comon feeling. We feel like more of a prize. A one time shot. People want to fuck us but don't think we'll stick around, or be trustworthy, etc. It could be the job, the image, the stigma, the rumors, It could be for many reasons... At least it's nice to know it's not just me...
Because I fear the "fuck n chuck" I've developed a horrible habbit to detach my self, so that the sex is more of a game, or a sport. Thus I can enjoy it while being detached emotionaly.
I'll find the man's biggest insecurity and make casual jokes, mid action, So that the men I'm with feel less confident, So that they know They're flawed and not actually good enought for me. Not that I actully think that - I usually adore him, But my insecurities about not being good enough for them, get in the way.. so it's a little trick I created to make men think that I'm not actualy into them either, and I'm also just in it for the shag. This way I'm not the punch line when the chuck part of the "fuck n chuck" comes because I'll have broken them down so much that they'll think the chuck is mutual.
So really my insecurity of being unwanted is encouraging men to not want me. vicious circle i've created, huh.
I never realized that this is what I was doing until now. But It's what I can remember doing for so long. I now realize that I've missed out on that passion, that connection, that emotional satisfaction of trusting someone enought to "make love" instead of just offering detached sport sex
I feel so stupid. I see now that I was encouraging my own fear and disapointment. Not that it was all bad. I did have some fun memorable times. But I do feel bad for some of the men who's confidence I distroyed, if only for a night. No one deserves that vicious mind game. If I'm that unsure of how you feel about me then I just should not be humping you. At all.
Since noticing this. I've made the conscious effore to change.I don't want to be hurtful or heartless. I don't want to be "that girl."
It's hard to give it your all. Trust isn't easy. But going on cushioning myself from fear of hurt feelings isn't really working. So for the man who gets to be "that guy" I'm giving my all, all my appreciation, my adoration, my attention, my trust, my love... if that's going to not be good enough then There's nothing for me to apologize for,be embarassed or upset about. It was all I had to give.
But then I think... "something tells me YOU shouldn't be trusted."
so till you prove me wrong, YOU get nothing.
I've realized that I've fucked, been fucked, had crazy sex, worthy of top Shelf Porn. But I can't remember "making love" with any of my previous boyfriends. (or guys who fell into my bed)
I feel like I'm a great notch on the belt, I'm a fantastic fling, or story to tell your friends. I don't expect guys to stick around, or consider seriously dating me. Ever. (see note "you can't date an exotic entertainer")
After talking to other entertainers and studly bouncers... It's a comon feeling. We feel like more of a prize. A one time shot. People want to fuck us but don't think we'll stick around, or be trustworthy, etc. It could be the job, the image, the stigma, the rumors, It could be for many reasons... At least it's nice to know it's not just me...
Because I fear the "fuck n chuck" I've developed a horrible habbit to detach my self, so that the sex is more of a game, or a sport. Thus I can enjoy it while being detached emotionaly.
I'll find the man's biggest insecurity and make casual jokes, mid action, So that the men I'm with feel less confident, So that they know They're flawed and not actually good enought for me. Not that I actully think that - I usually adore him, But my insecurities about not being good enough for them, get in the way.. so it's a little trick I created to make men think that I'm not actualy into them either, and I'm also just in it for the shag. This way I'm not the punch line when the chuck part of the "fuck n chuck" comes because I'll have broken them down so much that they'll think the chuck is mutual.
So really my insecurity of being unwanted is encouraging men to not want me. vicious circle i've created, huh.
I never realized that this is what I was doing until now. But It's what I can remember doing for so long. I now realize that I've missed out on that passion, that connection, that emotional satisfaction of trusting someone enought to "make love" instead of just offering detached sport sex
I feel so stupid. I see now that I was encouraging my own fear and disapointment. Not that it was all bad. I did have some fun memorable times. But I do feel bad for some of the men who's confidence I distroyed, if only for a night. No one deserves that vicious mind game. If I'm that unsure of how you feel about me then I just should not be humping you. At all.
Since noticing this. I've made the conscious effore to change.I don't want to be hurtful or heartless. I don't want to be "that girl."
It's hard to give it your all. Trust isn't easy. But going on cushioning myself from fear of hurt feelings isn't really working. So for the man who gets to be "that guy" I'm giving my all, all my appreciation, my adoration, my attention, my trust, my love... if that's going to not be good enough then There's nothing for me to apologize for,be embarassed or upset about. It was all I had to give.
But then I think... "something tells me YOU shouldn't be trusted."
so till you prove me wrong, YOU get nothing.
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