9 months

And then there I was face to face witht the mother, of the the man of my dreams.  I listened intently as she talked about how she wanted grandkids. It took all my strength to not blurt out, "give me 9months!" 

15minutes

Please VOTE for this amazing show I'm working on that shows both my naughty and more importantly my nice side! 

"With everyone trying to grab the limelight, one today really has to be great at showmanship"

- Greg Petaloudis

#15minutes

http://www.storyhive.com/project/show/id/230

From Backdoor to Reality TV

After an evening of supportive comments and suggestions from the network, we reflected on how it all started. Here's our first project that caused an amazing producer to beat down our doors and drill into our brain that we were designed for greatness. We saw our reality show triller on the big screen last night for the first time and... Well, our reality is pretty awesome. I'm nuts about these crazy guys and so excited and proud to work with them!  http://vimeo.com/m/101982057

Actual message to a man

How do I know I'm gonna see your tits in this film, he asked, after I said I was too busy to make an appearance at his bachelor party because I'm the producer on a feature film.

I replied

I'm extremely on edge from a day of people acting entitled to my tits and I'm going to blow up if one more person treats me like a blow up doll and not a person. I'm busting my ass as the producer the 1st AD and and actor in this film. I'm incredibly talented and hard working and I hate that I have to constantly throw that in people's face and demand some sort of respect. Yes I have big boob an yes they will be in the film, but I am so much more than a nice rack. How exactly did you expect me to answer? "Ooh big boy I just don't know what to do with these big round boobies! I can't wait to rip off my clothes and bounce In front of the camera just for you." If that's what you're looking for, go to the strip club and pay a girl to act dumb for you. I don't have time for that I'm busy making a feature film with industry professionals who treat me with respect.

having a baby?

We never slept together anymore.

I was training for a fitness comp and went off my birth control to loose extra weight for the show. I woke up on my stomach, he was laying on top of me fucking me from behind. It was nice that he was finally showing interest in me. He drunkenly said he was going to cum I told him to pull out because we both knew I wasn't on birth control and hadn't been for 3 months. He  pinned me down while I trashed about trying to get him off me and as he came he said "don't tell my girlfriend" to which I responded, "I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WHO DO YOU THNK YOURE FUCKING?!?!" (aug 2009)

Found out my ex is having a baby. He's really excited and proud too. Fucking jerk. The night I found out I was pregnant he didn't come home. The following weekend I had to find his drunk ass at the roxy where he was coked up with various "friends" aka random chicks.

He'd come home so drunk, screaming at me for not knowing where his contact lenses were. THey were always in his eyes. 

I started locking myself, my dog and my valuables in the bedroom while he slept it off on the couch in the living room. 

In the daytime at the gym he'd stand Infront of the treadmill I was on and tell me he only dates 10s but he's making an exception for me. 

Oh did I mention that he didn't have a job for 18 months and only got one because he told the bar that he was going to be a dad. By this time we had already booked the abortion. But he lied and acted like we were having the kid so he could get work. 

I knew right away I couldn't let this mess of a man be the father of my child. There was no way I wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. And I especially didn't want him yelling at a kid the way he yelled at me. 

I kept dating him though, hoping things would get better. Afterall he finally had a job. Maybe he'd start paying rent and slowly we could become a real couple. But no. He lost that job too. He slept on the couch. And when I would come home from work he'd have his hand out for money. If I didn't make enough in tips he'd tell me to get a real job because no one liked me at the penthouse anyways. And if I made good money he'd accuse me of "leaving the club to make that money" 

He constantly told me that we were better fiends than lovers and that he should get to sleep with Other people. So one day I agreed with him and told him to get out. 5 weeks later he moved out. I slept at the Cecil a few nights when he was exceptionally fucked up. I had become afraid of him. He'd pick up the end of the couch a d dump me off of it. He'd toss the coffee table if my belongings were on it and he'd punch the wall beside my head yelling that he couldn't hit a woman. 

And now this man is online bragging about knocking up his new girlfriend. 

Hopefully he's changed his ways and his new girlfriend isn't crying herself to sleep wondering where her boyfriend is and who else he's fucking while whispering "don't tell my girlfriend"

Dear James,

 I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Maybe our paths crossed so I could experience all the good we created in the last 8 months. Cause there wasn't too much good before you. My whole world turned upside down when you wandered in. And it was the best thing that could have happened... And I will never regret you. I will miss you everyday. This has been a tremendous adventure that welcomed passion, love, trust, respect and excitement into my life. I'm sorry for mixing up Paul Tryl and James Wire

. James Wire was an incredible boyfriend. Forgive me for wishing it was real. You were amazing to me. And I will always be grateful for you. You are Incredibly talented and you have a little family who loves you no matter what. You have an amazing life ahead of you and I'm very lucky to have been in your world even though it was just for a little while. 

Thank you for moments we shared I will never forget you.

I fell in Love with James Wire

When I met him I thought he was hot and I'd flirt with him, and leave his world as soon as we were done filming that horror movie... But then he stayed up all night with me, we talked and spilled our guts. And he was amazing to me. I had low white blood cells at the time and was having trouble breathing all the time. He rubbed my back till I fell asleep. We talked almost everyday since. We filmed a music video, and the following night we couldn't keep our hands off each other while filming... The battery died, but we were too into each other to notice. 

The rest is history. I fell in Love with that man. We picked James Wire as his stage name, as Samantha Mack is mine. We spent hours and hours and days and many long nights working on our films. It was a creative outlet and so much fun, and for me it was heaven to be safe with a real man, and loved without guile. It felt amazing to be with a man who didn't treat me like an object or just a notch on his belt. I spent all my savings and then some, to create more opportunities for us. With great joy too. Every month I looked forward to our trips away. Falling asleep In his arms, waking up to his snores. I fell head over heels for him. I would do anything for him. If he struggled I did whatever I could to help him. It was usually with computer related stuff. I love that he needed me to help with things in his life. Because I needed him too.

I have never been so happy. You can see it in my smiles. Our YouTube channel is full of genuine smiles. I was living my bliss being by his side. He meant the world to me. 

But I mistook his kindness for love. And the more I fell for him the more he only loved me as a friend. It's not that I did something or didn't do something... It's that no matter what I did I would never be good enough for him. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I loved whole heartedly. I have him 110% of all my love energy. And now it hurts so badly. (Dramatic girl statement alert) If loving someone ends in such horrible pain, I never want to love again. 

I ache at the thought of not being with him. In the funny way the world works he bacame one of the few people I could let my guard down with. One of the few people I could really trust. And now I feel so lost. Everything I worked so hard for- for us. Is now gone. MackWireFilms, Sundays with Jamantha and our website, the photo shoots the promo/advertising... It's all gone. Just like him. 

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. 

I will miss him every day. He was the most amazing man to me. And I hate that I let such an amazing man slip through my fingers. Or I guess to be honest I hate that I loved a man and my falling for him pushed him away. 

I guess I don't know what love is after all.

But I do know heartbreak. And it aches at the centre of my being. 

James Wire was the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, and our time together was the best part of my life. 

That is why it hurts so much to not be with him anymore.

If you were the other woman...

A few years back I went out with a guy in a band headlining at the commodore. Then I found out his fiance was back home, pregnant, making wedding plans, while he was touring. 

Should I have told her or kept my mouth shut?

Last year I dated a guy who, much to my surprise, was with 4 other girls at the same time. I am thankful for every girl who had the courage to tell me that my man had cheated on me with them. All of them said the same thing. "If I had of known he was dating you I never would have gone out with him that night." And that's exactly what I would have said too. 

I don't think women ever intentionally want to be the "other woman" or the "dirty little secret" but that's the position they're put in when men aren't honest about their relationship and are just out to get their dick wet. 

Finding a good solid man is nearly impossible. 

Meeting The Other Woman

Meeting the Other Woman:

My heart was pounding when I saw her. I expected her to hit me, or to hate me at the very least. Cause for so long I wanted to hit her, cause I was filled with so much hate. 

The universe put us in the same place at the same time... And I realized it was time I sucked It up and said "Hi!" 

Why now? We'll cause I'm not mad anymore. The universe must have known that, and I assume that's why her and I were placed face to face. 

So, With an overwhelming feeling of peace, that shocked even me, I asked, "are we ok?" 

And I am so grateful she said yes. 

Love More

Fear Less

The world would rather hug you than hurt you.

Paolo & Rosa: Wet Underwear & A Single Red Rose

Not only is this our best video to date but we had the most fun making it!!! Thanks for watching!

Naked on the Street and we DIDN'T get arrested

• This was a pretty good example of how people are in Vancouver. A surprising amount of people were lost in their own worlds and didn't even notice two naked people walking down the street. This was an incredible social experiment. Those who did notice us we're positive, supportive, and asked to take photos of us and thanked us for making them smile on such a cold day. We received countless compliments and we have never been called AWESOME so many times in one day. It was a50/50 split of people who were oblivious and people who were joy filled. Even the produce manager at the grocery store, the Starbucks employees, and the staff at the dish gave us a warm welcome and smiles for miles! Before walking into establishments we made bets on how long it would take to get kicked out for how we were dressed... We quickly discovered that (in the words of John Halcyon Styn) "The world would rather hug us than hurt us"
  We started our day with the intention of making a hilarious video for this Sunday's A Gay Collab and ended with happy hearts and a lesson from the universe that our world is far more accepting than we originally believed!
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Samantha & James: The Making of a Porn (FAIL)

After laughing over all the bloopers and insane things we do to pull of a sexy adult movie... we decided to make "the making of a porno" to share some of the silly, fumbling, mishaps that happen behind the scenes. After hours of planning, costumes, props, lighting, location, special FX, etc... we were ready to film this hilarious, entertaining and educational :P, mockumentary/how to/making of..... But something distracted us.

Follow us on twitter and instagram @thejameswire @thesamanthamack for more behind the scenes details and pics

http://www.youtube.com/v/Uy-B17TE7T4?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=n5m7JIrWy6cZByR1YyVrxQ

The sad thing is you are so much more than porn

That's a reflection I how you feel about what you think the porn industry is. 

When I was stripping after getting divorced and paying off my debt, getting my own apartment and such, people would always say, you're too good for this job. The truth is no one is too good for any job. We are all lucky to have work of any kind. And even luckier when we love our jobs. And I loved to dance. Stripping was awesome for me. I never became the drug addicted single mom that is scared of her biker boyfriend that everyone THINKS a stripper is. 

I fell in love with my body and found confidence for the first time in my life. It led me to fitness competitions and enabled me to finally fix my sad floppy stretched out boobs. (Pic on Instagram) 

because of my larger than life stripper personality I got to host the adult entertainment awards and dancers for cancer where we raised tens of thousands of dollars for breast cancer over the years. 

I was also was asked To perform and teach at seduction clinics where women from all walks of life wore heels (some for the very first time) learned pole moves and how to pose their body no matte what shape it was in the most attractive ways for the boudoir camera. Inspiring other women to love themselves and encouraging the freedoms to allow yourself to feel sexy. Teaching that sexy isn't a dress size, sexy is confidence. 

So Was I too good for the job? Nah, that job was a blessing and a launching pad to so much more. 

Don't look at a job that you think is beneath you and think its a means to an end. It's a means to a beginning. 

So, am I so much more than porn? Sure I'm all kinds if things. And just like stripping this too is a launching pad to the next phase of my life. Whatever that may be. So don't look down on an industry you don't understand and make assumptions that one persons value is greater or less than someone else. 

I am having the time of my life. My everyday life is filled with love and creativity. We received emails saying "I can't believe you do all that kinky stuff sober. That's inspiring." And "my boyfriend and I watch your videos and now he dresses up as a nerd and lets me take control too. Our sexy life is awesome." 

The ripple effect of our porn has proven to be a positive one. And that makes for a damn good job if you ask me. 

So no, the sad thing isn't that im so much more than porn. The great thing is that porn (or any job) will lead to so much more than who/what/where I am now. 

Knocked Up?

While chugging water so I could pee on a stick at the doctors office a million thoughts entered my head at once.

What if I'm pregnant? 

I would instinctually think that's awesome! Being a mom is my greatest wish. Having a kid would be a dream come true. 

What about the daddy?

He already has kids that he sees every other day. If I had a kid would he stick around in the role of Daddy? Would this baby take away time and money spent on his kids? Is this fair to him and his pre existing family?

What about money?

Would my boss keep me employed if I was knocked up? Who wants to see a pregnant chick DJn at a strip club? 

I primarily make porn for a living how the hell is that gonna work? 

What if I can't work? How else am I gonna make money?

I could handle having kids. Kids who go to school during the day so I can get my work done. But a baby? How the hell does one manage life with a baby arms length away at all times.

What if Daddy isn't around forever, can I do this on my own? 

Ill spare you the gory details but, it would take a miracle for me to get knocked up. However, on this day the doctor had reasons to be suspicious. 

I have daydreamed of being knocked up. I've wished on every falling star and each birthday candle I blew out these last few years. And in a moment where you think i'd still be crossing my fingers, all my hopes and dreams turned to fear.

What a terrible feeling. All the joy and excitement of the Miricle I've been waiting for ...crushed by the fears of reality. 

Now if James and I lived together and this was planned things would be different. But I just gave him his own set of keys 2days ago. So needless to say my being knocked up is not part of our plan. But if he was excited and thought we could become the perfect parenting team then be excited again too. But logically I don't see how we could make it work.

Right now, business is doing well and these next few years are crucial. A lot is riding on my looks. My body is my tool. I get a ton of joy knowing that my hard work (our hard work) benefits not only myself but James too, and with every extra cent he spoils his kids as much as he can. The more successful we are, the more free time he has to spend with his kids. Its a ripple effect. I may not have my own family but my hard work means his family can have more. When my paycheque is big, his percentage is big. The better I do, the better he does, and knowing that what He makes gets spent on his kids needs, makes me want to work that much harder. Those kids may never know "dads friend Sam" or how my life benefits them, but I know. And knowing the positive ripple effect I can create for them brings me so much happiness. 

I've wanted to have my own family for a long time but maybe that's not what's in the cards for me. For so long I thought that made me useless. My life wasted. Simply living day after day for the express purpose of getting older. I couldn't see what point my life had if I didn't have a family to share all these moments and holidays with. But maybe this ripple effect is the point to life I've been seeking. 

James' 1st Strip Tease

This week was Halloween week! But Halloween is over, so here's clips from our week leading up to James Wire's very FIRST STRIP TEASE on November 2nd 2013 at Funky WInkerbeans in Vancouver BC.
You can see Samantha (and James) every Sunday here on A Gay Collab. A Gay Collab is a daily youtube show with a different host every day of the week entertaining the masses with our fun, creative and sometimes spontaneous take on the weekly topics. All content is created by GLTBQ people and their allies. 
James Wire and Samantha Mack (although they only have slight gay tendencies) lead by example. Encouraging all straight people to stand up for our sexy brothers and sisters in their fight for continued equality. 

Follow us on Twitter and Instagram @theSamanthaMack and @theJamesWire 
Thanks for watching :P

Don't forget to like us on facebook: http://fb.agaycollab.com
And follow us on twitter: http://tweet.agaycollab.com

http://www.youtube.com/v/NnYC0LuG1rg?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=ruQlmIePsSQHkBscO0oZxA&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Halloween is for kids.

I'm choking back tears as I drive to work at the strip club. My phone alerts going off with pictures of my friends, my age, not in slutty costumes but warm goofy ones, showing off their cute kids In the cute costumes they stayed up all night making or worked over time to buy. It's 7:30 and some of them are already carrying home their exhausted and/or sugar crashed little ones after just a tiny bit of trick-or-treating. 

Holidays were made for kids. Decorations, music, outfits... We do all this to provide te young ones with happy memories of togetherness. 

Right now I feel so lonely. No one to make a costume for, no one to provide a magical spooky holiday experience for. No trick or treaters bouncing with excitement at my door. There's really no reason for me to celebrate Halloween. It just another Thursday.

 

Tonight the life I have, and the life I want, are two very different things. 

I don't know when I suddenly grew up but apparently I'm an adult now and I feel like I'm missing out on all the best parts of being a grown up. 

Samantha & James: Sechelt Pier Adventure

We ran away to a little cabin in Robert's Creek to "get away from it all" for 4 days. We worked almost every waking hour that we were on "vacation" but we did manage to sneak in some us time while the cameras were re-charging and the computers were rendering and uploading. Here's a peek at what little time we did take just for ourselves.
Follow us on Twitter and Instagram for daily pics and updates on our crazy lives.
Thanks for watching
Samantha and James :P

This is CHRISTOPHER LEAF

Our short film about life as a gay man
http://youtu.be/4S8-uBzLDlc
This week on A GAY COLLAB we're talking about gay news in our area. I visited Roberts Creek BC and met a young gay man by the name of Christopher Leaf... This is his story.

Follow us on twitter and instagram @thesamanthamack and @thejameswire. and see more of us at youtube.com/therealsamanthamack

Don't forget to like us on facebook: http://fb.agaycollab.com
And follow us on twitter: http://tweet.agaycollab.com

Samantha & James: Jack O'Lantern LOVE

Photo Shoot - unedited

I had a photo shoot last night with Grant Mcavoy/Image Werx. Usually I just see the final best images once their touched up a week of so later. I always think.. That's a great photo but I don't really look like that. 

This time we simply downloaded the pictures directly from the camera to my laptop (which photographers usually don't do) and I got to see me.. Just me, as is, sans photo shop. 

And I was pretty delighted with what I saw. 

It's terrible how hard we can be on ourselves. The image I have of myself in my head and the images captured on film are so different. 

And I wonder why? 

I guess because there's so many pics of me photo shopped, or edited via Instagram or some other alteration made that I just got skeptical and stated to believe I was a mess and needed every image touched up. 

Sigh. I'm pretty hard on myself in my own mind. And after seeing the raw images from last nights shoot, I realized that the negativity I put myself thru has been unnecessary.

I'm ok. And I should probably start telling myself that.