Ding Dong in LA - How to Make Your Own Dildo

You could have been a doctor...

My "Brothers," the two guys I call family... proved that they aren't.
Family loves you no matter what. Family cares about your happiness first. Family is a safe place full of support and encouragement.... not judgment. Family doesn't treat you like you're disposable.

They knew I had an adult web site for years. A few weeks back I bumped into the older of the two and we chatted about my adult site. He was happy that I was happy. But apparently he was just drunk.

Tonight I went over to their place for a lil BBQ and got a 30 min lecture on how they think less of me now because I'm filming porn. I was called every name in the book- in a narrow minded, I  love you, I know better than you, sort of way.
It was hell.

They jumped to the conclusion that I'm filming degrading style of porn that they're used to watching late at night on free sharing sites. They suggested that I'm stupid enough to be led into this terrible decision by my leading man. Which couldn't be further from the truth! It's my business and I brought the contracts to him!

Anyways. They refused to read my blog or let me explain why making adult videos has me on cloud 9. This isn't the first time they've been unsupportive so 1/2 way though the lecture I started making my game plan to defend myself. Maybe they would understand if I explained my elaborate film making set up, scripts, lighting, continuity... or maybe if I explained how it's financially a wise business choice.. or maybe I could explain that my self confidence and self esteem is through the roof and I'm elated with this new frame of mind. and That "James" and I truly love each other, and neither one of us is using the other, but we talked long and hard about our goals and game plan.
NOPE shot down all all attempts. The idea of just getting up and walking out crossed my mind, but I wanted to be stronger than that. I'm not a weakling who cries and walks away  (even thought that was my knee jerk reaction) I held it together and tried to listen while he spoke till he was simply repeating himself to fill the silence in the room. Every time I tried to speak up for myself I could only get 2 or 3 words out before he would tell me how "gross" I am, and how little he thinks of me now. He even added that he would never give my a job based on this new found knowledge.
I could no longer focus on how to defend myself. I was shocked by how judgemental he was being. The younger bro didn't say much, he's the one who's thoughts I honestly would have cared more to hear.

Judgement, based on assumptions made after I said, "well, I am making porn."
No matter how hard I tried to explain how happy I was, no matter how hard I tried to explain that my team was amazing and supportive, and no matter how hard I tried to explain my vision to create female positive, sex positive films instead of the years of kink, fetish and jerk off videos I had made in the past that I'm quite embarrassed by.

And about that: All those older videos. The kinky, weird fetish ones that catered only to my so-called fans... I wish a good chunk of them didn't exist. Some I made just for the money and some I made cause I thought that's what was expected of me. Look up VORE. I did so many vore videos! and why?

I swear to Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, that I'd rather suck the dick of the man I'm crazy about than eat another sandwich and slowly pretend to chew a helpless little man who's sacrificing his life to nourish my goddess body. Why? Because if cannibalism is your fantasy, I don't need to encourage it.
You know what men and women do all over the world? Suck dick.
You know what people don't do? Shrink men down to 3-4 inches and eat them slowly starting at their toes and laughing as they chew with their mouth open so what's left of the little man can watch himself being destroyed between my teeth.

I love people for who they are at their core not what they do. ...and maybe because I'm younger than them I see the world as a place that would rather hug me than hurt me. But I know that someone better smack me in the face the day I kick someone out of my life because what I assume they do for a living isn't good enough for me to go bragging to my mom about.

Anyways, sad and angry, a little shocked and totally heartbroken... I got up put on my jacket and left. They didn't even say goodbye.

I guess it's over. I guess what they think I do is far more important than who I am. I thought they knew me, knew my heart. But in reality they care more about being about to brag about me to other people ...and now all they feel is shame at the mention of my name.

"you could have been a doctor" he said.

Positive Message: Half Naked and Cum Soaked

Today I was busy filming porn...

We started a very sexy scene where I seduced the neighbour who was mowing my lawn. We wrote in a bit about him resisting me because he had a wife and kids - just incase he couldn't get hard, we would have a story to run with. 

But the goal was for him to use that ding dong as god intended ;)

After a quick moment of my handy work he was ready to go. We filmed a steamy passionate sex scene and then I had an idea.

The entire time I was feeling bad about playing the role of "home wrecker" so...

After some post cum-shot making out, he looked deep into my eyes and said,

"I love role playing with you. This is the best one you've come up with yet!"

I giggled and told him to hurry up and pick up our kids from school. And as he got up and grabbed his pants I added,

"And finish mowing the lawn!"

Turning the scene from a man cheating on his wife with the seductress next door, to a scene where a loving couple role plays while the kids are at school, turned my film from smut, to a woman empowering, sexually empowering film that I hope would allow couples who watch it to explore and enjoy each others fantasies.

I've made so many adult flicks for money. And so many of those films I'm not 100% ok with. Small Penis Humiliation, Vore, Financial Domination, Giantess, Cruel Riding... I'm not into it. 

I didn't realize how much it picked at my soul to get paid to be mean to people, even if it was just acting. Playing out these fantasies for customers slowly numbed me.

And I started to resent the money it made. 

Then I filmed "James Wire" and I having fake sex... it was believable enough on camera... Especially when we both were so turned on that it accidentally turned into real sex ;) 

From that moment forward we decided to be porn stars. With the goal to make videos that are woman friendly, empowering, sexy and fun. 

The Internet is laden with women being pounded in ever hole, women being spit on, jizzed on and then left. It's this style of sex without love that was slowly eating my soul. I wanted to make something positive, passionate, exciting and loving.

With that goal in mind "James" and I re-invented addicted2samantha.com

The first time we made love on the beach the couple a little ways down the beach started going at it too!! I was overjoyed!!! It worked!! My actions were encouraging love between others!! 

So today when we changed the ending of the video to show a bond between the couple, I was simply delighted. And I think I stumbled onto what will be a series of role play videos. :)

I am very aware of my audience and I feel compelled to give them a positive message. Today I did just that - half naked and cum soaked - but I did it! 

I don't smear fake cum on just anyone's chest

I have the most amazing people in my life. 

I have come to recognize the quality of people who are closest to me.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many truly wonderful people.

Payton who drops everything when I call him after being spooked by a man randomly trying to get into my truck. Fixes my flat tires and does all the heroic manly stuff a girl could dream of without hesitation.

Corrie who helps me make pianos and life size jack n the boxes for my crazy performances without even questioning my sanity. She listens to my hair brained ideas and helps me make them work instead of pointing out how crazy they really are.

Josh who encourages my crazy ideas, films my crazy ideas, regardless how cold the water is or how naked people need to be... and he gives me perfect advice at exactly the right times.

Tracey who really will do anything for a friend. So loving In fact, that when I'm really sick I have to beg her to stay away and let me cough, sniffle and be gross alone. 

Paul who wandered into my life and changed everything. He taught me to appreciate what I do have and embrace living in the now. Although acting brought us together he taught me what it is to be real. 

I could go on and on and I'm sure I will in future blogs... I am surrounded by support, love and encouragement. And I'm so lucky!

Sex on the Beach

We were making out in the sunset as the sun pained the sky to frame our bodies.

A couple about 70m away watched from their beach blanket as our naked bodies wrapped  around each other. 

Time stood still. I can't tell if we were there for mins or hours. But it didn't matter. Every breath, every heartbeat, every movement was so incredible... Nothing else mattered.

All we could hear was the crashing waves as they teased the shoreline. Soon we too were a part of that shoreline.

Oblivious to the world around us, we couldn't resist. It was all so beautiful. The sun, the sky, the ocean, the soft sand beneath us... It wasn't till we saw the photos that we noticed people walking by. It felt so private, so perfect. It was the type of moment musicians write songs about, the type of moment that film makers strive to capture in their scripts. Pure passion simply took over.

And as we collapsed side by side in the sand I glanced at the couple I had noticed earlier on their beach blanket in the distance. The woman was straddled on top of her man. And now it was their moment. I felt such bliss as I snuck a peek at their bodies moving in slow motion. Did our behaviour encourage them to feel free to express their love? I like to think it did. And it was beautiful.

We walked back to our beach blanket, started to dry off and get dressed. 

Then the park rangers came. They busted the couple making love. Their sour expression was the proverbial rain on our parade. Then they walked up to us. Furled by the complaint they had received that "someone" was filming porn on the beach... And I got off with a warning ticket. Violating bylaw 1177 section 3.1 

That ticket is stuck to my fridge with a magnet that coincidentally says ,"if I can't do it naked, it isn't worth doing!" 

And the footage is on my laptop. ;) I watch it from time to time. I can still feel the ocean licking at my toes as he kisses my neck...

Filming Horror Porn

The comedy, "Horor Porn" (Music Video) was inspired by the most common search words for the horror movie "No Pets Allowed" wich featuredPuh Puh Paul and Samantha Mack (Blue Girl Productions Nadine L'Esperance) Its my take on what the person googling "horror porn" was experiencing. Not only does it makes fun of the person googling but it aslo makes fun of my reality as an entertainer who people seek on the internet. The ending of this video is hands down my favorite! Making fun of my real life.... that's what I do!

It's planning on being out on youtube and iTunes just in time for my trip to VidCon in California. 

3 of our 4 make up artists were also actors in this film. I just gave them a basic concept and they went above and beyond bringing their A-game!!! When I walked back in from filming a scene they were dressed beyond my wildest dreams!! I am so blessed to have a team of creative, inspired people who have bent over backwards for me!

My actors were amazing and put up with my suddenly very quiet and very serious style of directing. We had to be sneaky so the neighbours wouldn't complain. :)

Josh Rimer and Ryan Steele jumped in last min when two of the original actors suddenly couldn't be there. 

I am humbled by the quality of my friends. Their generous spirits is what made this music video possible!!! I am so blessed, and as I grow old I will re watch this video and be laden with joy. This experience taught me that paradise isn't a specific destination. Paradise is a feeling. And the process of filming "Horror Porn" captured my paradise. 

Thank You

Corrie, Josh, Paul, Lanny, Deb, Kelly, Keir, Ryan, Dan, Nadine, Riley, Erron... Thank You!!!

Porn?

I had never been filmed having sex.  But, I do have an adult web site full of videos that are more than suggestive. I always thought if I didn't show my pink bits or touch dick I wasn't really making porn. But what is porn? Is it dick in vag action that makes it porn? Or if its purpose is to supply an orgasm to the viewer, does that make it porn? What makes erotica different? Is it?

Was I ever really innocent? Tits like these alone, could cause a weak man to blow his load.

What I've learned is:

People who aren't ok with their own sexuality don't care if you're a stripper, a porn star or a hippy on a nude beach... It's all terrible in their eyes. They hate it all, cause they themselves aren't comfortable.

So I'm already doomed. 

But wait a second... Why do I give a damn what some prude, judgemental people think?!?! 

What I really desperately want is for people to know my heart, know that I'm a good person with a soul and emotions, a family and responsibilities.

I'm just like everyone else. I'm not a sex crazed, bimbo (like many assume) I'm not a man hating dominatrix or a party girl who will drink you under the table then fuck you on top of it. I'm just a girl trying to figure out this thing called life, just like everyone else.

I believe in woman empowerment and sexual confidence. I believe in being open minded and living in the now. 

I've written blogs before encouraging couples to make their own porn films, to celebrate each other and have fun with each other. But, although I do think its great advice... I've never been able to do it. Honestly, I've always wanted to... but I never felt pretty enough. Never felt like I was good enough. So afraid that people would judge me and label me as a bad person. Also, the dudes I've dated have been less than stellar, and I can't honestly say I would trust any of them to be respectful with bedroom photos of us.

I've filmed adult content and erotica for a long time but I've always been careful to keep a boundary between myself and anyone else in the film. (IF there is anyone else in the film)

BUT then things changed. I met an actor who respected me. He wasn't smutty or horny. A few weeks back when I was being tested for leukemia he stayed with me. Didn't try to get fresh. He genuinely cared about my well being. I trusted him. We started filming a romantic scene for a music video having never kissed before... It was beautiful. Our chemistry, our natural symmetrical movements.. It looked so amazing. Watching the footage an especially the outtakes where we giggled in each others arms.. It felt amazing. I guess the diference is that we actually care about each other. And that's I was seeing. Not fake, porn star style, "Ohh, baby, ya, that's how I like it." bullshit. No fake "O" faces. We talked a lot about it and decided to transfer that romantic scene to my adult site. We were filming more the very next day, but this time specifically for my adult site. This was huge! I didn't expect to ever film with a man. I guess I never expected to trust a man either. 

But Without trying all the pieces fell together perfectly. Even after our first kiss, kids outside started lighting off fireworks. 

Coincidence? Sure. 

A sign? Maybe. 

Amazing? Absolutely! 

And then it happened. Every kiss, every movement every gasp for breath became real. I wouldn't even call it porn, (if you weren't jerking off to it). 

It's hot, steamy. It's passion and love. Artists spend their whole live trying to capture what I'm getting on film on a canvas.

I'm so happy filming it too. I'm getting into the lighting, the shot angles... And so is he! I feel so artistic. So creative!

I finally feel free. I gave up trying to please everyone else and finally made porn for me. Cause "I" wanted to.

It reminds me of getting my half sleeve tattoo. I finally gave up trying to be good enough for everyone else and tattooed my arm because it made ME happy.

So oddly enough, over night i became the star of my own porn videos and I've never been happier. My self confidence is thought the roof. I feel beautiful, appreciated and respected.
and like I said, I've never been happier.

Image from 

"PS: Your Dream Girl is Waiting"