Porn?

I had never been filmed having sex.  But, I do have an adult web site full of videos that are more than suggestive. I always thought if I didn't show my pink bits or touch dick I wasn't really making porn. But what is porn? Is it dick in vag action that makes it porn? Or if its purpose is to supply an orgasm to the viewer, does that make it porn? What makes erotica different? Is it?

Was I ever really innocent? Tits like these alone, could cause a weak man to blow his load.

What I've learned is:

People who aren't ok with their own sexuality don't care if you're a stripper, a porn star or a hippy on a nude beach... It's all terrible in their eyes. They hate it all, cause they themselves aren't comfortable.

So I'm already doomed. 

But wait a second... Why do I give a damn what some prude, judgemental people think?!?! 

What I really desperately want is for people to know my heart, know that I'm a good person with a soul and emotions, a family and responsibilities.

I'm just like everyone else. I'm not a sex crazed, bimbo (like many assume) I'm not a man hating dominatrix or a party girl who will drink you under the table then fuck you on top of it. I'm just a girl trying to figure out this thing called life, just like everyone else.

I believe in woman empowerment and sexual confidence. I believe in being open minded and living in the now. 

I've written blogs before encouraging couples to make their own porn films, to celebrate each other and have fun with each other. But, although I do think its great advice... I've never been able to do it. Honestly, I've always wanted to... but I never felt pretty enough. Never felt like I was good enough. So afraid that people would judge me and label me as a bad person. Also, the dudes I've dated have been less than stellar, and I can't honestly say I would trust any of them to be respectful with bedroom photos of us.

I've filmed adult content and erotica for a long time but I've always been careful to keep a boundary between myself and anyone else in the film. (IF there is anyone else in the film)

BUT then things changed. I met an actor who respected me. He wasn't smutty or horny. A few weeks back when I was being tested for leukemia he stayed with me. Didn't try to get fresh. He genuinely cared about my well being. I trusted him. We started filming a romantic scene for a music video having never kissed before... It was beautiful. Our chemistry, our natural symmetrical movements.. It looked so amazing. Watching the footage an especially the outtakes where we giggled in each others arms.. It felt amazing. I guess the diference is that we actually care about each other. And that's I was seeing. Not fake, porn star style, "Ohh, baby, ya, that's how I like it." bullshit. No fake "O" faces. We talked a lot about it and decided to transfer that romantic scene to my adult site. We were filming more the very next day, but this time specifically for my adult site. This was huge! I didn't expect to ever film with a man. I guess I never expected to trust a man either. 

But Without trying all the pieces fell together perfectly. Even after our first kiss, kids outside started lighting off fireworks. 

Coincidence? Sure. 

A sign? Maybe. 

Amazing? Absolutely! 

And then it happened. Every kiss, every movement every gasp for breath became real. I wouldn't even call it porn, (if you weren't jerking off to it). 

It's hot, steamy. It's passion and love. Artists spend their whole live trying to capture what I'm getting on film on a canvas.

I'm so happy filming it too. I'm getting into the lighting, the shot angles... And so is he! I feel so artistic. So creative!

I finally feel free. I gave up trying to please everyone else and finally made porn for me. Cause "I" wanted to.

It reminds me of getting my half sleeve tattoo. I finally gave up trying to be good enough for everyone else and tattooed my arm because it made ME happy.

So oddly enough, over night i became the star of my own porn videos and I've never been happier. My self confidence is thought the roof. I feel beautiful, appreciated and respected.
and like I said, I've never been happier.

Image from 

"PS: Your Dream Girl is Waiting"