When i was first asked to be the "Special Guest Star" at Naked Girls Reading, I of course said YES!!! However, as the day draws near I catch myself standing in front of the mirror naked wondering what everyone else is going to think of my naked body. Now this seems silly if you know me. I spent 7 years as an exotic dancer, I model nude for art schools, and spend my summers at the nude beach.
Sexy has always been a feeling. After I lost almost 100lbs between 2004 and 2006 I FELT different.
Sexy was a feeling. Sexy came from the joy I felt within. All I knew is that I was comfortable in my own skin, and people around me called that... SEXY.
Still to this day people say I ooze sexuality. I'm just comfortable. I like this body. I lived in a shell that I hated for so many years. As the pounds left my body I was able to find the courage to do the things I always wanted to do. Dancing, Circus, Modeling, Long Boarding, Skim Boarding, Snowboarding, and all that jazz. I wasn't afraid to stand up in front of a crowd. For the first time ever I felt accepted. But it wasn't that the people around me now suddenly accepted me, "I" finally accepted me.
I had finally allowed myself to be sexy.
This realisation came to me as I stood naked in front of my mirror practising reading for my "Special Guest" Appearance at "Naked Girls Reading" I swooshed my hair around my shoulders to frame my tits in different ways. and I wore different heels and obsessed over how each pair changed the look of my ass. I sucked in as hard as I could and I started hating my body all over again. What the hell was I doing?
We judge each other based on our own insecurities. Those who are happy with themselves don't pick apart others. Their happiness shows and they love, support and encourage others. Those who judge themselves, judge others. I remember my first time at a strip club. I stared at women with bodies I secretly envied, I picked apart every inch of their bodies. Picked reasons why they weren't good enough. But it wasn't them. It was my body I hated. I felt threatened being in a crowd staring at such beauty. My own self esteem, whatever was left of it, was destroyed as everyone around me praised a woman for looking a way I never thought would be possible for me. My own self loathing sucked me down deeper and deeper till I hit emotional rock bottom.
One night (2003) when I lived in Chilliwack BC, I sobbed explaining to my boyfriend at the time, how much I hated the sight of myself. Then it all changed.
From that day forward I started working out and changing the things I hated so much.
in 2008 I competed in Nationals for women's fitness, where I placed 8th. I stopped working out after that and gained back some of the weight I had worked so hard to shed. But feeling never left. The confidence and joy I learned this journey stuck with me. Self love and self comfort ozzed from me... and this is what people around me call sexy.
Sexy is being yourself. Sexy is loving yourself. Sexy is being comfortable with you... all of you.
I almost forgot this when I stood naked in front of the mirror. I judged myself based on the fear of what I thought others might... maybe... possibly think of me.
Oddly enough, as I stood in front of that mirror, I tied up my hair in a bun, stepped out of my high heels and just stood there, I realised "I" like my body.
I love my big strong calves, and my thick thighs. These legs take me snowboarding and trail running. These legs take me away from the world to moments of true freedom where it's just me, the mountain and my thoughts. And my feet, my toes.. 4 of them are broken. Healed now, but one specifically is bent forever. I love it. It proves I work hard. It proves I get out of this house and experience life.
I love my booty and my hips. This ba-dunk-a-dunk makes me feel like a real woman. It sways when I walk and when I dance. It pushes open doors when my hands are full. I find curves in other women mesmerising and I love the idea that people would be mesmerised by me too.
I love my boobs. They've changed with surgery and weight gain and loss over the years. I've destroyed them and torn the muscle, dislocated an implant. They're scared and have no sensation left. They're not perfect. They wiggle and jiggle and get in the way. But I love them. I can't imagine living without them.
I love my arms. They hug, and hold. They've saved lives, They've lifted children from drowning in deep water, they've held people in a spinal clamp till ambulances arrived. They carry and gently rock crying babies. And my hands! My hands reach out and hold the hand of the person next to me who in that exact moment needs comfort. Yes my nails are chipped and my knuckles on my right hand are callused because I lean on my knuckles since I had surgery that doesn't allow my wrist to flex anymore. These hands are perfect.
My belly. My stomach. Even these words bother me. But as I stare into the mirror and look at the area of my body I've always wanted to refer to as my abs, I see the faint white stretch marks that remind me of being almost 250lbs. The little stripes - I couldn't see them before because the skin used to fold over covering rolls of fat. These permanent lines are my victory marks. They show me how far I've come. They prove my sexiness. I couldn't even see them before I lost all that weight. When the pounds finally vanished I could see all of my torso in the mirror at once without pulling and lifting the skin. This brought me joy and the comfort that others define as sexy. These white lines, represent my happiness.
So tomorrow night I'll be on stage at the theatre... NAKED.
With all the confidence, joy and happiness, I will perform two amazing readings on stage for the audience. Maybe the audience will be like me now. Full of joy, love and appreciation. Maybe there will be a few perverts who wont hear a word I say, they'll just stare mesmerised by the nudity. Or maybe there will be girls in the audience who were like me back in the day. Who will tear me apart and judge every inch of my body in their minds as they sit glued to their seat feeling more uncomfortable than I could ever imagine.
Who knows. What I do know is that in the days leading up to this show I've stood naked in front of the mirror, examining each inch of my reflection, and I've come to one undeniable conclusion.
I LOVE MY BODY
AND THAT'S WHAT SEXY IS